A Test We Want to Fail!

Here’s something all women should know about sexual assault. Whether it’s someone we know (the majority of assaults) or a stranger (30% of assaults), there is usually a test. Aggressors first test us to see if we’ll be an easy victim. That’s a test we want to fail!

Wisdom

Here’s something that happened to me when I traveled in India long ago.  I was walking on a trail at about 1:00 in the afternoon.   There was a group of four young men behind me and they offered me fruit.  I thought that if I took the fruit they’d see I was nice and would leave me alone.  My mistake.

When I took the fruit they grabbed me and forced me off the trail to some bushes below.  The bushes blocked the view from the trail.  The four 18-year-olds and I sat in a circle on the ground.

Instinctively, I used a verbal self-defense strategy of “Make yourself human.”   It’s very effective, even in dangerous situations like this.  I babbled about myself, what I studied, where I lived, whatever came into my head.  After 15 minutes or so, they knew a lot about me.  The leader told me to kiss him.  I got up, kneeled in front of him, and kissed him on the lips.

He said, “You can go.”  I immediately scrambled away.  I was shaken and shaking but grateful to get away. I didn’t look back. 

An aggressor will test us to see if we’ll be compliant.  If we’ll be an easy target.  That was why the leader offered me the fruit. We want to fail their test.  If we don’t fail it, we can still get away safely, as my story shows.  But we’ll save ourselves trouble if we recognize the test and say no.

Here’s some tips:

·         Act as if you’re sure of yourself with a firm tone of voice

·         Say “No” or “Not interested” or “No thanks” or “I want to be alone”

·         Say it any way you want. There’s no one right way

·         Use body language with or without words – shake your head to say no, with a closed expression on your face

·         Distance yourself:  step back or move away

·         Leave

Someone we know might test us by talking about sex, or touching us in a way that subtly crosses the line.  A stranger might ask for the time or step into our personal space.  They want to see if we’ll be polite and accommodating.

It’s our intuition that tells us there’s something “off” about this.  We feel uncomfortable even if we don’t know why.  It’s not easy to say no when there is nothing obviously wrong.  That’s what they’re counting on. 

We were raised to be nice and polite but that can be used against us. The shift for us is being willing to say no even when we don’t understand why.  Intuition is the fast system of our brain.  It can take time for understanding to catch up with intuition.  If you have an impulse to say no, if you’re uncomfortable, nervous or scared, say no and move away from him. 

Intuition: Inner Knowing

The purpose of this post is to spread the word about the psychology of aggression.  Instead of thinking it’s best to agree and take the fruit, flip that rule.  Put your feelings and instincts first.  It’s hard because we were taught to be considerate of others.  But an aggressor uses that against us.  We protect ourselves by being assertive and showing that we won’t be an easy victim.  They’ll look for someone else.  You’ll be safe.

I’m a certified self-defense instructor and have taught self-defense to women, children, teens and people with disabilities. I’ll be teaching a self-defense workshop for women 18+ in Waterloo, Ontario on Saturday, November 28, 2026.